In these days of the COVID-19 pandemic mandated lockdowns and shelter-in-place orders across the country, people are handling the boredom and stress in many different ways. That is, if they aren’t working. In my house, my husband is a first responder, so of course he is working. Me…not so much. In the case of Go’s-Go’s bassist Kathy Valentine, her days have been full of finding creative ways of promoting her new memoir “All I Ever Wanted.” Not an easy task even in the best of conditions, but when your 23-city book tour has been cancelled, it has to be a nightmare! As our small talk winded down, Kathy mentioned that while she was disappointed, she had no right to be too sad, because there were so many people that had things worse than she did. That is when I knew it was going to be a great interview, with a fabulous lady.
Michele Hancock/I’m Music Magazine: When you first decided to write your memoir, you did a lot of looking back on your childhood, growing up. It sounds like it was not an easy road to follow and you made it work. Did those struggles help you to work harder to reach your dreams of wanting to be in the music business?
Kathy Valentine/The Go-Go’s: Well, I think definitely a part of me, like I put in the book, really wanted to put as much distance between myself, and like, the more painful aspects of adolescence, and what I went through. I wanted to be far away from that, a lot of distance. But also, I wasn’t really parented. I had kind of been pretty much taking care of myself and had an ingrained sense that no one was ever going to take care of me. My dad wasn’t going to take care of me; my mom certainly loved me. We had a place to live, we weren’t homeless, we had food and stuff. But emotionally, and in other ways, you know, I didn’t feel like anyone was going to take care of me, other than myself. It was my job to figure out how to do that, how to get that done. Whatever I chose, whether it was music or what, whatever I chose, I had a fairly strong sense that I had to do it in a manner that would enable me to take care of myself, to be successful. I nobody to rely on, only me.
It really spoke to me when you were talking about some of that. Not that I had a lot of the same issues but I think a lot of us, especially us girls, we had a rough adolescence and there were a lot of expectations.I think that’s the parts that really stuck out to me in the book.
I really like that, and many people have said to me ‘It was really important to me that the book be relatable on a human level. That it wasn’t just about being in a band, or you know, The Go-Go’s, or anything like that.’ I felt like the human parts of my story, were the parts of my story that were going to make it resonate. So, I’m glad to hear you say that.
Yes, and it was beautifully written as well. I could tell you are a gifted writer, and it was really hard to put down.
Thank you! I’ve heard that a lot as well, and that just makes me really happy! I don’t read a lot of memoirs, but the ones I have read, I tend to get a little bored in them. I was conscious of wanting it to, …to not be shallow. I wanted to go in depth and stuff, but I wanted there to be a pace to it, a fast pace.
I think you made it work! It was hard for me to put down! Looking back on those chapters, is there anything that you want your daughter to be able to take away from that, as she is in those same adolescent years?
Well, she hasn’t read it yet. She knows that it’s got some stuff in it that might make her uncomfortable. She’s leafed through it, read certain parts. Kind of like skimming through. I don’t think she feels like she is quite ready to dive into what I was doing and going through. But when she does, of course all I would want from her to take away from it… I just hope that she is proud, and happy that she got to have a mom who was able to parent her, to set boundaries for her. She got the best version of me. … I struggled with writing about abortion because it’s such a polarizing issue in our political climate today. I just think it’s…people don’t like the word; they don’t like to talk about it. And it is important to put human stories there, to maybe cause people to think a little bit. Women need to decide when they are ready to be a parent. I felt like, if I had to have a baby when I was 12 yrs. old when I got pregnant the first time I really had sex, I think it would have destroyed me. It would have destroyed my life. I don’t think that’s God’s plan. I’m sorry, I just don’t. The same thing when I was 20 and on tour. My one thing that I found were I could take care of myself and I had the emotional maturity of a teenager. That would have been a mistake, and a bad thing. A bad thing for me and a bad thing for a baby to be born into. That was the hardest thing, writing about not 1 but 2 abortions, because I could have written about that in the 80’s and it would’ve been one thing, but in this climate, it has become very, very hot button. I just felt like I couldn’t shy away from it. I felt like it was a very important part of my story to tell. Whether people agree with it, like it or don’t like it, it puts a human face on why women must make difficult choices sometimes.
It helps educate as well. I felt so sad that you were even put in those situations, but I understood things better after reading those chapters.
Your mother, it seems, did not want to conform to the typical gender roles of her generation. While things have gotten better for yours and my generations, there are still inequalities. There is a huge disparity in the music world, in the male dominated music business. It has gotten better over the years, but it is still very male dominated. With bands like The Go-Go’s and The Blue Bonnets (just to name a couple) making paths for future female musicians. What do you feel your legacy is going to be looking forward?
Well, I mean I think that I still find it interesting. I love that there are more female musicians, in the musical landscape. You go see Pink, you go see Beyoncé, even Lenny Kravitz, and you see any number of women playing, more than capable. They are kicking ass. And you didn’t see that as much when I was a teenager, and even when The Go-Go’s were in, you did not see that as much, so that’s great. I don’t think The Go-Go’s necessarily opened the door for that, for the change, but I do wonder why more young girls don’t want to start bands. I don’t quite understand that, because there just aren’t that many that have hit songs, that are commercially big. I know there are fewer rock bands in general that are big, but they still come up. You still get your Arcade Fire, and, Foo Fighters. There are still bands that are men that have good careers. Vampire Weekend,…(slight chuckles from both of us here!) I don’t keep up with all the new bands, but I see very few women. I am a little mystified about that. I think if more girls were starting bands, we would see more all-female bands in the top charts. So, I see more musicians, but I don’t see more bands, and I am curious about that. As far as a legacy, I know that some of the female musicians that came up in the 90’s, many of them were young girls and saw The Go-Go’s on MTV, so I know that we inspired people, and not only in music.
I had a guy stop me in a café in New York a few months ago. A man in his 40’s, and he said ‘The Go-Go’s showed me that I could leave the Midwest and lead whatever kind of life I wanted. I moved to New York, I have a career in the artistic field’ and he said the reason why was because there was something about seeing The Go-Go’s made him feel like he could do something different than what was expected of him. (at this point, dear readers, I have chills and am almost in tears, hearing this story) That made me feel incredibly happy. You just never know when that little light bulb is going to go off, and just changing somebody’s life, is a wonderful thing, even if you don’t know about it. I have had a handful of people say their life has been changed, so I have to believe that there are a lot more out there that haven’t had the chance to tell me. So, I don’t know what the legacy is, but I know that people have been positively impacted. I can’t think of any reason why anyone would have been negatively impacted, so even just having that is enough for me.
Wow…that guy in New York, that’s amazing. That gave me chills.
It really surprised me because I’m not that recognizable. I change my look all the time. My hair’s always different, I don’t wear makeup usually when I go out. The fact that he even recognized me at age 60, was pretty amazing. He just came up to me in a Greek Café and said, ‘Excuse me, Kathy’ and I was like Whoa! He didn’t want a selfie, he didn’t want an autograph, he just wanted to tell me that seeing The Go-Go’s as a 12 yr. old boy in Kansas or somewhere around there, that was his light bulb moment. So that to me, that is enough of a legacy.
Definitely! (And may I say hats off to this gentleman, for being so sweet in sharing that with Kathy! Just goes to show how much one comment can impact a person’s life!) What is one of your favorite things that you shared in your book, that you had the most fun with?
Remembering and getting on the page, the feeling of joy and exuberance of making the first album. (Here I had a hard time containing my excitement, because this was one of my favorite parts!) Like really being able to convey what it felt like, how much fun we were having. The challenge was to get on the page. I didn’t want to just say ‘This happened and then this happened, we did that, and then this happened. That is writing, and you can write that really well. But what makes it literary, and what makes a book a memoir is if you can write about those things, but also really have the reader understand not only what it felt like in that moment, but what it felt like for you to be reflecting on it. And what it feels like to have insight now and see it from a different vantage point. And a lot of times for the reader to think and feel something. Not only are they understanding what I experienced, but they are relating it to something they have experienced. Then, there is this connection between the author and the reader. To me, that is succeeding as a writer.
That is actually the part that I talked about in my review, it’s my favorite part! I especially loved hearing about how the picture for that album cover was taken! (No spoilers here, GO READ THE BOOK, dear readers) Speaking of pictures, being a photographer, I have to say the ones that you included in the book are fantastic! … How hard was it to choose some of those pictures because I am sure you have tons?
Well, I gave a lot of them to the editors at the publisher, UT Press (University of Texas’s publishing house) They chose for how well they thought they would duplicate, and they didn’t want a lot of posed pictures, like I had a lot of pictures where I am just standing there with somebody getting my picture taken. They did not want a lot of those. It is surprising how few candid shots there were because people didn’t have cameras on their phone… I’m surprised I have as many as I have, to be honest. There were not that many photos taken all the time. Plus every photo that they used, I had to track down the photographer and make sure they signed a release…and also they were only allowed a certain amount of pages of photos that they could do. I gave them a lot, but the ones that were chosen, they were chosen for specific reasons.
I didn’t really think about all that. I’m just looking at the aesthetics, being a photographer myself.
It was one of the hardest jobs,…to contact every photographer, and ask them if I could use it, use the photo, and get them to sign the thing. That was the hardest thing in writing the book. It took forever, and a lot of the photographers were like ‘Yeah, sure!’ and then they wouldn’t respond, and I’d have to keep nagging, ‘please sign this’. So it was funny, I was like ‘Couldn’t somebody there do this job? It’s so awful’ and plus they have no budget; so, a lot of photographers would be like, ‘Can they pay me?’ and I’m like no, cause they’re a non-profit. I hadn’t thought of that in a while, but yeah, that was one of the hardest things. No one said ‘No, you can’t use it’ It was just a lot of emailing, work, and people are busy.
Yeah. Not so much right now though…I’m finding it hard to keep busy! (Kathy chuckles a bit, agreeing with me) One thing I wanted to close out with, I wanted to check and make sure all your family, everybody doing ok? All healthy and doing good with the social distancing and such with this pandemic? I like to check and make sure everyone is all good! (Just call me Momma Bear, dear readers! I would ask the same if I was talking to you!)
Yes, Yes. I’m very grateful that we have all stayed healthy. I just really don’t want to get this; I really don’t want to get this at all!
For sure. Definitely! I did want to bring up The Blue Bonnets, your current band. Do you do any touring? I had not heard the band before and loving everything that I’ve heard.
Yeah, it’s a great rock n roll band. We have been together about 10 years now. We’ve released 3 CD’s on our own. We don’t do a lot of touring because it’s really expensive to tour and stuff, but we’ve gotten opportunities. It’s a fun good band, it’s all women, and everybody plays great, I just really love it.
I definitely wanted to mention it, so that our readers could check it out!
And don’t forget that I did a soundtrack for the book as well, that they can check out!
YES! I got that as well! I mentioned that in my review, as that was a new one on me! What gave you the idea of doing a soundtrack? It’s so creative!
Well, doing a book, when you turn it in, it can take anywhere from 12-16 months for it to actually come out (insert my “wow” mouth drop here…I had NO idea!) So, I had all this time after I finished it, but I didn’t really feel finished, and I felt inspired to explore some of what I had written, musically. So that’s what I did. It was one of the most creative and fun things I’ve ever done.
Dear Readers, you know I tend to write as if I am talking straight to you, more conversationally. That is why I have to say that this was one of the best conversations I have had in a while. I wrapped up the conversation talking a bit more about the soundtrack, actually analyzing it a bit as if I was back in college. But even art majors should back off a bit. Seriously though, I felt like we could talk for ages about art, music, anything. I totally think this is not only because we both share the creative spirit, but Kathy Valentine, in all her experiences, has developed a fabulous sense of knowing what is important in life. Sometimes, all that you need is to know that you made a difference in someone’s life. May I add to that observation, that difference is so much more special, when you look back at the mountains you had to climb to get to that point. Keep this in mind as our global community goes through this pandemic, and may it be a bright spot in your day, and always look for your light bulb moment in all this hullabaloo.
All the music discussed in this interview, can be found on most music platforms, I found mine on the fruity one. If you have the subscription, it is included in that. You won’t be sorry!
I’m Music Magazine Photographer/Writer Michele Hancock
Order your copy of “All I Ever Wanted”: Audiobook Hardback/Kindle
